How are You?
From Jeremy:
It seems like a simple question, and it is, without a doubt, the question I get asked the most these days from just about everyone I talk to. You would think I would have a good answer by now, but I often struggle to know what to say, usually for one or two reasons.
I struggle sometimes because I’m not sure exactly what the person asking wants to know. Do you want the medical numbers and data, or do you want the depths of emotional, spiritual, and physical unraveling and rebuilding that God is doing in me? Just so you know, the two answers take a very different amount of time and energy for me to answer, and sometimes the second answer varies based on how much I’m still holding onto my sinful self that day. However, I feel like this could be a good place to try to answer.
As with many times in my life and I’m sure yours as well, music often helps us tell the story of the deepest parts of ourselves, and lately this has been the case for me as well. Courtney recently introduced me to a song called “One More Day” by Sons of Sunday. If you want to know how I’m doing, listen to this song:
The first few lines begin like this …
I'm a sinner grace is still healing
I'm a story time is revealing
I'm all of these things
But mostly, I'm thankful, yes, I am
I'm a fighter caught in a struggle
A survivor rising above it
I'm all of these things
But mostly, I'm thankful
Overall, I am so overwhelmingly thankful. I should be dead. Multiple times over, if not for great modern medicine, the decisive and amazing talents and expertise of medical professionals from the UAE to the USA, but completely if not for the grace of God, I shouldn’t be here anymore. How can I be anything more than thankful?
I’m also still in desperate need of God’s continued redemption and healing of my body and soul. Everything I do every day is hard. I have suffered. I have struggled to even admit that sometimes, because I have been able to experience the sufferings of others around the world that my circumstances pale in comparison to, but then I am reminded that comparisons are the thief of joy and never do anyone any good. I have suffered. The last several years of illness and slow death that kicked into hyperdrive a few months ago have taken me to the end of myself. I have been literally torn open and rebuilt both by my doctors physically and by God in every other way, and it has been far more than I could bear at a lot of moments. I have had breaking points of crying out to God, begging Him to make something not need to be a miracle just to live. I have wept until it hurt through tears, asking for something to be easy. I have had moments of crippling fear over my inability to do anything for myself and for my family—to provide any care, protection, provision, or anything of value. I have been dragged through darkness to the depths of my self-reliance, my illusion that I am anything without Jesus, and that I could ever do anything on my own.
And yet, grace is healing me. I am redeemed and am being redeemed. I am learning to love my suffering. I still wouldn’t choose it and would choose for it to end, but as long as it lasts, I’m growing increasingly thankful for it. Go,d in His marvelous grace, is healing me. I’m learning what I’ve always said and thought I always knew about God and myself, my purpose, and His glory. By His grace, I am fighting, but not just for healthy days free of pain and for the ability to feel strong and capable again. I am fighting for the end of me and for the end of the struggle to make great of myself instead of making great of Jesus. I am learning to love anything in my life that points me and others to Christ, and I’m learning that nothing does that quite like suffering.
There is another song I’ve known for years and have reconnected with lately called “Rebuilder” by Carrollton. I encourage you to listen to it here.
God has always been there my entire life, pulling me out of the rubble and wreckage of my sin and desire to be something over being His. He is my restorer and joy through some immense pain.
Lastly, another song for you to listen to, if you care to know the answer to how I am doing, is called “Spirit Lead Me” by Influence Music and Michael Ketterer.
This is another one I’ve known and loved for a while, but it tells the story of my heart. I long to let the Spirit of God lead me through any path He sees fit. It’s still more than I can bear, and I still struggle in my faith, especially when I know I’m not just trusting myself to God, but I’m trusting my wife and girls to Him as well. There are moments I just get tired and feel like it is all too much. However, what is beginning to drive me is being more tired of living a life of no eternal significance than I am tired of things being difficult. God, teach me more of this for your glory!
I am thankful, I am being rebuilt, I am faithful, I am a sinner grace is healing, I am weak and in that He is strong, which I’m learning to see makes me not as weak as I initially thought. I am nothing without Christ and His sustaining work in me through His church. Please keep praying for me and my family. The ways God has used you all to care for us have humbled me beyond measure, and I couldn’t be more thankful. We had all we ever wanted, and except for each other, lost just about all of it almost overnight. I still have a long road of physical recovery, but the numbers are really good, and I am improving every day. Mostly, I just want to love Jesus. I want to know Him and make Him known. I want to serve and love my family in faithfulness, not just in doing or accomplishing. I want to hug the hurting and tell you He is there is He is enough. Embrace your suffering and allow God to take you to the end of yourself, and what you find may just surprise you. You might even learn through His grace to kiss the waves that press you against the Rock of Ages.